Are You Being "Improper" At Work?
Nov 24, 2019
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Summary
- In the past, a whole bunch of things were once considered "improper" in the workplace!
- Sometimes, things considered "improper" are categorized that way to ensure everybody in the workplace is respected. But just as often, if not more often, rules around what is "proper" can be used as a way to suppress people expressing themselves.
- Be alert to the use of the term "proper" in the workplace and be a champion at making sure it's being used to empower people rather than push them down.
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Full Transcript
Let me ask you a question. Have you been improper in your work? Have you been improper in the workplace? Have you? I sure hope so because being proper kind of sucks. Here's a list of things that were once (and in some places still are) considered improper in the workplace: women, minorities, people of certain religions, gay people, people of certain gender identities, pants, laws regulating things like worker safety, the presence of child laborers, people being paid what they were promised. The list goes on and on and on. All of those things were once considered improper in the workplace. Of course, some things have changed. But in my experience, in the working world when people use the word “proper,” it really sends off alarm bells in my mind. And it starts early, right? This idea that everything has got to be proper.
Some go on and one: "Everything is going to be proper. Well, that's just improper." I can't tell you how many times when I was in school how I had authority figures and teachers, well-meaning, tell me, "You know what, Eric, that that really was kind of improper what you did there." I remember, in particular, I once had an English teacher - I had written some stuff and she didn't like my ideas. She said, "well, you know, that's just really, really not proper."
I remember another time - I went to an international school...the American patriots among you will like this story. I went to international school and there was an international night event where different cultures showcased their cultural things. I was American kid with a group of other American kids and we were like, "well, what showcases America?" We thought we'd reenact a 4th of July celebration. While what followed probably wasn’t "improper" it might have been "unsafe" considering the amount of like sparklers and bottle rockets we set off on stage. Although, we did have buckets of sand and water all around and were conscious of fire. We basically made this huge explosion and talked about how we Americans got our independence in 1776 and we like to blow stuff up to celebrate it, which is very American, genuine, totally American. Totally unique in the world. I remember afterwards that some of the coordinators of the program, who weren't Americans, said, "you know, Eric, that was really kind of improper. It was, it was a little bit warlike that you had so much to blow up." That may be, but there was nothing improper about it. That was the most American thing we could come up with!
I can think of another example involving my son. I have a son named Fletcher who's awesome. When he was in the third grade one of his counselors at school came to us and said, "we really need to talk." We asked, "okay, well what's wrong?" They answered, "well, Fletch is saying inappropriate things. He's, he's being improper." We asked again, "Well, what's going on?" They said, "Well, this eight-year-old boy made some fart jokes...and he's talking about fart things now in school." I was flabbergasted because, the library in this school literally has the whole series of Captain Underpants books. Those of you who aren't parents may not know this, but there's a whole series of books called "Captain Underpants" and it's all this humor where there's this made up superhero and it talks a lot about farts and stuff like that. You know what? Farts are funny. If you turn on any major comedian, any major late night show, farts are funny. Now they're a little off color. But to tell an eight-year-old boy that it’s somehow un-normal or that he really needs to reign that in. You know what? That's not the real world to me. And so when that teacher sat in front of us and said, "you know, farts really aren't funny." I just had to look her in the eye and think, "what planet are you on?" Of course, it makes sense for teacher to explain that there may be more ideal times and places for certain kinds of talk. But to say that that my son's words were, "improper," especially if that's my son being authentic by describing how he thinks it's funny and he's being his authentic eight year old self, which I would argue is his super power at school. I'm not going to get that kid in trouble for that.
I would argue you should consider the same things in your workplace. Now look, when I say "proper" of course there are some things in the workplace that may be inappropriate to say. But you know what? I would argue that most of the time those things have to do with respect for other people. It be inappropriate to talk about fart jokes if one were doing it in a way that was disrespectful to somebody because of who they were (i.e. their race or religion or gender, disability etc). But we know this happens in the workplace all the time. There are so often cases where people use intimidation or hostility, all of those things are totally inappropriate, but I would argue there's a difference between those sorts of things and how "improper" is usually thrown around in the workplace.
Instead I would argue – based on what I’ve encountered so many times – that when people get especially hung up on what’s “proper” it can sometimes be a way in the workplace to suppress people being their authentic selves. Because when one says, "well, the way you express your authentic self is improper for the workplace" they are the ones actually not being proper because they are not honoring who their colleagues are as people. They're not honoring the diversity that makes a workplace and a workforce super strong. They are stomping on the authenticity that gives people their superpowers at work.
Perfect example: not very long ago, I was working with somebody who was gender non-conforming who described how they had a colleague who wouldn't call them by their preferred pronouns because that colleague claimed to do so would involve “improper” grammar. So who was the one being improper there? Here we had somebody living their truth, trying to be who they really were and asking people to respect that by using their preferred pronouns. In response, somebody wouldn't honor that that person using the pronouns they asked them to use because of grammar? What is that all about?
Another example I suspect most women can relate to and I've seen it firsthand, where when women assert themselves in the workplace all of a sudden they are, "bossy", right? Because...somehow it's improper for women to be assertive? I mean, what is that all about? Somebody trying to authentically use all their God given ability in the workplace, but because it's improper for women to assert themselves, they're called bossy, or even a worse word that begins with a "B." That drives me crazy. I hope it drives you crazy too, especially in the workplace.
Here's why it should drive you crazy: who you are, and people respecting who you are, is the most proper thing in the world. I would argue when people throw up artificial reasons why they won't respect you or the work you are doing because it's "improper," they're actually the ones being improper. I would challenge you to, whenever you heard the word "proper" at work, to consider which party's authenticity is truly at risk: the accuser or the one being accused of "improperness." If and when you do, you'll not only help your colleagues win at work, but I think you'll help yourself win at work too.
